Captain Mad Newsletters

BOAT SHOW OFFERS EXTENDED
Blimey, talk about shiver me timbers, it was more like shiver everything as Mrs MAD and I got snowed into our winter quarters and cut off from the national grid for 54 hours. Candle-lit dinners cooked on the Aga may be romantic for one night but the moment you stepped out of the kitchen any romantic thoughts shrivelled like icicles.

Anyway it was inevitable that so many people had to miss out on their planned visit to the London Boat Show, which seemed to have feast days and famine days. If you did come on one of the busier days and we were so occupied we couldn’t take time to chat then sincere apologies. Certainly some regular faces were missing but discretion is always the better part of valour in choppy waters.

As ever our 10% Boat Show discount proved popular with visitors. We planned to end this on the last day of the Boat Show but, seeing as some of you didn’t make it we’d like to extend it a bit and give you the opportunity to save yourself some money. Initially we planned to extend it until 31st January but Mrs MAD piped up from watching the Antiques Road show saying that 31st was a Sunday and it would be nice to give you all an extra day so here’s the deal:

Book any holiday from the Seafarer flotilla or beach club programme before close of business on 1st February 2010 and we’ll be delighted to offer you a 10% discount.

MORE MAD OFFERS
Great Prices on Exploration Flotillas – 15 days from £565 pp
Our summer 2010 season kicks off on 17th April (which happens to be my old Mum’s 84th birthday) and to celebrate we’re offering amazing deals on our Ionian and Turkish flotilla fleets. It’s a fabulous price for the 15 day adventure which includes flights and the cruising itineraries are really interesting. Call 0208 324 3116 for details.

Two for one discounts at the Ionian beach Club – 14 nights from £599pp
Ask us too about our two-weeks-for-the-price-of-one deals at the Ionian Beach Club for selected dates in May, June and September. This is a particularly good offer for those with pre-school children as it’s warm but not too hot, and in general it’s a quieter time of year. Prices include flights, transfers and all the waterfront and sailing activities.

Caribbean Flotilla – St Vincent & The Grenadines – 14 Nights from £1079pp
There cannot be a better time for some winter warmth and sunshine to melt away those icicles still hanging from your eyebrows! We are offering big savings on our Grenadines flotilla departing on March 20th for one or two weeks and if you are feeling lazy, why not join our ‘Share a Sail’ and let our crew do the sailing!

Call 0208 324 3116 to book.

IT’S A WIND-UP
During the power cuts I finally forced my way out of the house and through the snow into the nearby camping store in search of light. They had these really neat little wind-up lanterns and if you’ll take a tip from an old sea hand I advise you to pop in and get a couple – the snow might not be over yet and ever since the French took over supplying our electric I’ve had a somewhat exposed feeling. Ideal for the boat or beach barbeque into the bargain.

THIS IS NO WIND-UP
Seriously if you want to bag a bargain on a Seafarer summer holiday don’t hang around as these extended deals can’t last. As Mrs MAD has just shouted to me from the kitchen ‘it’s make your mind up time MAD, do you want dinner or do I give it to the dog?’. That’s not the sort of decision an experienced seafarer should put off.

Anchors aweigh,

Captain MAD.

Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 No Comments

Captain Mad Newsletters

Dreaming of a MAD Christmas

Captain MAD’s Christmas Carol

The good Captain suddenly sat bolt upright in his bed. Somewhere deep in his dreams it seemed as if a bell had tolled. An eerie light was coming from the doorway. As he slipped quietly from under the duvet so as not to wake his lady wife, whose snoring gave a whole new meaning to the Xmas concept of ‘pigs in blankets’, he saw a ghostly hand, finger extended, beckoning him.

MAD tiptoed through the portal to find a spectral figure wearing yellow oilskins and Breton fisherman’s cap lighting up an untipped Senior Service. ‘Evening MAD,’ said the spectre in cultured female tones roughened by the sounds of nicotine and not quite vintage calvados.

‘You’re not Santa Claus’, the good Captain exclaimed, looking round disappointingly for a sack of presents.

‘Ahh MAD, you always were a master of the obvious,’ the figure replied blowing smoke rings towards the ceiling. ‘I am the Ghost of Flotilla Christmas – you may call me Carol, but we must away, I have been sent to show you three things before the bells strike six.’

‘You’re Christmas Carol?’ muttered the bemused old sea dog, thinking he had awakened into a nightmare that was yet another Andrew Lloyd-Webber reality casting show and that at any minute Graham Norton would appear to sit in judgement with John Barrowboy and Denise van Driver as he sang the theme tune to Captain Pugwash as an audition piece.

‘Correct,’ replied the spectre. ‘Now be a good boy and take my hand, I haven’t got all night, I’m playing the dame in Peter Pan in Panto in Pompey later.’

MAD reached out, took the offered hand, and suddenly the room melted into the distance and they were flying through the cold and starry night. The towns and fields of old Blighty sped past far below them. Up ahead MAD could see flashing tail lights and enquired of the ghost if all was safe.

‘Don’t worry MAD,’ the voice reassured him, ‘it’s just an old turbo-prop Boeing – you can see Dan Air heading for Spain, Elton John wrote a song about it.’

They turned East, across the Alps glittering with snow, and started to descend. ‘Cabin crew 10 minutes to landing, cross-check doors, seat belt signs on,’ said the ghost seemingly at random. Earlier in their flight MAD thought he’d heard the ghost muttering ‘chicken or beef, chicken or beef’.

‘You ever worked as air-crew Carol?’ MAD enquired, the penny suddenly dropping.

‘Back in the day, back in the day,’ the ghost sighed wistfully.

Suddenly they were coming in to land. Skimming over mast tops they alighted outside a waterfront hostelry called Lorenzo’s Bar. ‘I remember this place,’ ventured MAD, ‘this is where I learned to sail. You’ve bought me to Corfu ghost.’

The spectre nodded solemnly and pushed him towards the door. As he crossed the threshold Stairway to Heaven was booming form the speaker. Never averse to a bit of Led Zeppelin he dived into the throng that parted like the Red Sea in front of him and was immediately approached by a young strawberry blonde woman whose ample bosom was fighting to escape from a silver sequinned boob tube whilst red silk harem pants floated around her curvaceous hips and thighs.

‘Welcome MAD,’ said the blonde, ‘I am Carol of Flotilla Christmas Past. Look and remember.’ She gestured around the room.

In the depths of his mind the Captain thought he recognised the girl although he must be mistaken, the girl he knew had been called Patricia and was renowned for becoming more scantily clad as the evening progressed. She led him to a corner of the bar where a bottle of Ouzo and carafe of lemonade were waiting on ice. MAD took a drink and looked out at a slice of his past life.

There was old Captain Idrissi his first master and mentor singing along to the karaoke sea-shanty machine that had just started up while Mr Friendly, the first mate, tapped time with a bottle of Bacardi on his peg-leg. And who was that coming through the back door? Blistering barnacles could it be?

He nudged the spectre, although as she was a ghost his armed past right through her décolletage in a rather disconcerting way. ‘Tell me ghost,’ he exclaimed, ‘is that me?’

The ghost put down the pint glass of crème de menthe and peered across the smoke filled room. ‘Can’t see a lot without my lenses’, she muttered, ‘but it looks like you might have looked when you had hair.’

Sure enough it was his former self, carrying a tray full of flaming cocktail glasses.

‘Oh no,’ his real self cried, ‘I’m about to do my flaming Sambuca dance!’

As he watched his former self weaved around in time to the music, taking glasses from the tray, holding them above his head, and tipping the flaming liquid into his mouth.

‘Wow,’ said the ghost, ‘that’s a good trick.’

‘Sleight of hand,’ MAD smiled. ‘All the flame is at the top. It’s no problem as long as nobody jogs your elbow.’

At that very moment, as if by prophesy, a drunken sailor stumbled across the room and barged the swaying MAD, buttock on buttock, just as a new stream of flaming spirit was being tipped at head height. Missing his mouth by a good nose the river of flame streamed past his face and hit a nearby table causing a small conflagration in a bowl of pitta bread.

‘I remember this day ghost, it’s the evening after I won my first round the island race single handed.’ MAD reached for his ouzo but the room suddenly went all wibbly wobbly.

When he opened his eyes it was another day in another harbour-side bar decked out with Turkish carpets, a Cheryl Cole video playing on a big screen TV in the background. A slightly blousy red-head approached I am the Carol of Flotilla Christmas Present she mouthed into his ear. ‘I like Christmas presents’, MAD replied, thinking he wouldn’t mind finding her in his stocking.

The summer of 2009 flashed before his eyes. Happy smiling faces on sunny days sailing across sparkling turquoise seas, the sounds of laughter and chinking glasses, the sizzling of swordfish steaks on barbeques, the taste of frosted beers, the feeling of cool seas against hot skin. Yes it was a tough job spending your summers at sea in the Med but someone had to do it.

Just as he expected the world to dissolve around him again he felt a jabbing pain in his ribs. He tried to ignore it but it wouldn’t go away. He tried to remember if he’d taken his statins last night? Surely the long fingers of the grim reaper were not reaching out for him just yet?

‘Wake up MAD,’ said a voice he recognised so well and had never been more grateful to hear than at this moment when it was good to be alive. ‘Cup of tea and a chocolate finger for you. Busy day ahead, need to crack on.’ It was, as ever, Mrs MAD larger than life itself in her tartan dressing gown and fur-lined Inuit moccasins

‘Oh and just as I was about to discover the future,’ MAD groaned.

‘I can tell you the future MAD,’ she said drawing back the curtains on a snow-covered vista. ‘My mother’s coming for the weekend, then we’re off up the motorway to spend Christmas with my sister and her family. Providing of course that this benighted snow doesn’t hang around.’

MAD dunked his biscuit until the chocolate coating started to melt and rather wished it might snow until New Year.

‘No, the real future,’ he complained, ‘Christmas yet to come and all that.’

‘I can tell you that too,’ his wife assured him looking into the bottom of her own tea-cup and staring fixedly at the tea leaves. She had always been an old-fashioned lapsang girl at heart. ‘Gordon Brown won’t win the election if I have anything to do with it, England won’t win the World Cup, Ben Ainsley won’t win Sports Personality of the Year, taxes will go up, stocks and shares and house prices may well go down, the ice-caps will keep on melting and in twelve months time we’ll both be a year older!’

All this and his mother-in-law too. MAD looked forlorn, ‘is there no hope for a good 2010 Carol,’ he queried, unaccustomedly calling his lady wife by her first given name.

Her voice softened. ‘Of course there is MAD,’ she said gently. ‘As soon as Christmas is over you can get on down to the London Boat Show, meet all your sailing pals over a Guinness or too, and book us on one of those special two-weeks-for-the-price-of-one delivery trips Seafarer will be offering. You’ll need to look sharp though, it’s first come first served on their stand.’

Outside the sun broke through the clouds, icicles sparkled on the trees, and a robin chirruped a cheeky hello on the window sill. Perhaps life wasn’t so bad MAD thought. As he did his Canadian RAF stretches and exercises he felt there was still plenty of life in the old sea dog yet. There may be no guarantee that 2010 would be a prosperous New Year but, with the sun shining in the Med all summer it could still be a jolly happy one.

Anchors aweigh and a very Merry Christmas,

Your good Captain and his even better other half!

Friday, December 18th, 2009 No Comments

Captain Mad Newsletters

MAD in the Caribbean

In this third of his ‘Alternative Cruising’ reports your good Captain exchanges his Pea Jacket, carafe of Angostura Bitters and jar of Neutrogena Norwegian trawler-man strength cold weather hand rub for a ‘Suzanne Boyle Rocks’ string vest, a large rum punch and tube of Boots SPF 50 bald bonce cream. Destination – the Grenadines.

After the rain and cold at Gatwick the heat that pours in through the aircraft door is a welcome blast. ‘Shiver me timbers’ territory this is most definitely not, more a case of a place to sweat your assets. Although, actually, I wasn’t planning on any sweat at all as I was taking the nautical equivalent of a busman’s holiday and hopping on a Seafarer Caribbean ‘Share-a-sail’.

Share-a-sail works particularly well out in these crystal clear blue seas. It’s not always easy to get a crew together over the winter months to take an entire flotilla boat. In addition the demands of these waters can be slightly more exacting than the Mediterranean in some ways and, even if you do eventually want to sail yourself, it makes sense to start by borrowing wisdom from old hands.

The way we work our Caribbean share-a-sail at Seafarer means you can be as hands-on or as ‘feet-up’ as you want to be. Essentially you’ll be sailing on the flotilla lead boat so the crew is already in place. If you want to lend a hand or learn the ropes you’ll be more than welcome. But if you want to kick back and do simply nothing at all nobody’s going to get on your case.

It works well for chaps whose ‘significant others’ don’t like to risk the nail polish. It’s a particularly good way to introduce non-sailors to the world of the waves. Simply mention the word Caribbean to a girl these days and she’ll be off in reveries about Johnny Depp and that other Johnny who I thought looked rather more convincing as the Elf, Legless, in that Ring movie about vertically challenged folk. Let’s be honest, anyone who enjoys a drink and has ears like spinnakers can crew for me any day.

In fact I’ve left my significant other at home on this trip. Yes Mrs MAD’s off doing a self help core muscle development course as part of her Open University degree in tummy tightening. If they ever make a movie called Pilates of the Caribbean she’ll be first on the casting couch.

Actually life doesn’t get much healthier than a Caribbean cruise. Two weeks in the sun, swimming four times a day in warm waters, endless tropical fruit to eat, lunch and dinner thrown on the barbeque – it’s all really rather idyllic and an ideal way to trim those extra few turkey and trimmings induced pounds you put on over the festive season.

All in all it’s a fabulous experience. The exact agenda varies but you start and finish on St Vincent. On the fortnight cruise the 12 intervening days take in Bequia, Petite Nevis, Mustique, the Tobago Cays, Petit St Vincent, Mayreau and much more.

Click on the following link http://www.seafarersailing.co.uk/flotillas/caribbean/itinerary.html and you’ll find the full itinerary.

Of course you can also take your own flotilla yacht and Seafarer also offer bareboat charter. Again more details on the website.

The flotilla and share-a-sail programme runs from 2^nd January until Easter and prices per person for share-a-sail start at £599 for 7 nights or £1199 for 14 nights (plus flights). Check the website for special offers – book now and you’ll get a 10% discount.

Call 0208 324 3116 to book or ask for info.

Anchors aweigh and a bottle of rum,

Captain MAD

PS: Don’t forget the London Boat Show is now only a few weeks away. Put the dates (8^th – 17^th January) in your diary and make a point of coming by the stand – lots of exciting new things to talk about.

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 No Comments

Captain Mad Newsletters